First Christmas with FOUR (amazing) Kids
3:00am – Wake up to Jonathan peeing
3:02am – Wonder why my pajama top is soaking wet. Lovely, apparently I had too much wine the night before and neglected to put on breast pads before bed. I’m covered in my breast milk, but I don’t care, I fall back to sleep
3:05am – Jonathan informs me that he is not peeing. In fact, he has a case of the runs … which sounds scary similar to him pissing
3:07am – Toilet flushing and butt pissing … what a lovely sound to fall asleep to
3:10am – A rotten dead body aroma fills the master bathroom
3:15am – Piper wakes up wailing…probably due to the suffocating butt fumes she is inhaling
3:16am – Throw Piper on the boob. Decide on the nursing while sleeping in bed technique, which I have mastered by now
3:20am – Ass hole stench is no longer confined to the bathroom. Shit particles seep out from under the bathroom door and into the master bedroom
3:25am – Wake up to Piper in a frenzy, screaming her head off. My nipple is poking her eyeball out. She is obviously pissed about it
3:30am – Switch Piper to the other boob and attempt to fall back asleep to the soothing sound of explosive farting & toilet flushing. Apparently, courtesy flushing is Jonathan’s new jam. Oh, the things you learn about your spouse during the wee hours of the morning amaze me. So glad I’m now aware of how much he enjoys to flush between the shits. News flash, Jonathan …. IT’S NOT WORKING! I can still smell your rotten feces
3:39am – Wont . Stop . Flushing . The . Mother . Loving . Toilet…WHAT THE FUCK IS HIS PROBLEM?!?
3:40am – The entire upstairs now smells of fresh cat shit, thanks to you, my lovely ass pissing husband
3:45am – Wake up to Piper spitting-up a boob-full of milk. Baby vomit covers my entire side of the bed
3:46am – Get up to go change Pipers diaper. She pooped, go figure. “Thank God her mustard color shit was contained to the diaper and didn’t get on her pj’s” I think to myself, as I’m too tired to change her clothes
3:48am – Put Piper in her bed
3:50am – Walking out of the nursery, she yaks again. All over her pj’s this time, should have known. Strip her down and put her back in her crib…naked. She’s lucky she got a diaper…I can not be troubled with more pajamas
3:55am – Lay down on the the puke-drenched bed. I can’t deal. Too tired to change sheets. Fall asleep freezing cold in pajamas drenched with milk, diarrhea odors filling my nostrils and breast milk fermenting in my hair
4:30am – “MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!” screams Lucy Rose. “Please tell me I’m dreaming this?” I think to myself. Nope, this is real life, indeed.“Tell your daughter to go back to bed”, I yell to Jonathan who is still sitting on top of his thrown of porcelain
4:45am – Wake up to Cole whispering, “I know you’re sleeping …. but can I go clean Wee-Wee’s litter box?” … “Please tell me I am hearing things?” I think to myself…this can’t really be happening, right?!? …
– WRONG again, buckwheat
– “MOMMY…..YES OR NO?….ANSWER ME NOW about changing kitties litter box!”
– “Why in the hell are you waking me up with this wacked out question, son?”, I screech
– “Come here, you gotta see this. Scoop (our elf on the shelf) left us a note telling us that we need to clean the litter box out daily in 2017 if we want him to come back next year”, Cole whispers too loudly in my ear
– Fuck. A faint memory of me drunkingly writing a note from Scoop last night comes to mind. I had great intentions, with the damn note, in hopes that my house not have the smell of cat urine in 2017. Looks like the joke is on me now
– “NO!!! You can’t go downstairs, son. Go to sleep NOW, you ass hat…but HEY…you come back here. Just so you know, feel free to empty the litter box out any other day of the year, just not on Christmas freaking morning. K, thanks NOW GET OUT, you little jerk”
4:55am – Bedroom door SLAMS open. “Mommy…I know you’re sleeping, but it’s a serious emergency…Cole just told me that Scoop (elf on the shelf) only loves him and not me” Lucy Rose cries
-“GET OUT OF OUR ROOM AND GO TO BED NOOOOOOOW YOU BASTARD!”I yell
4:58am – “Is it wake-up time yet?” Cole arrives again
– I scream like a maniac, “GIIIIIIIT OUT OF HERE NOW….AND DON’T COME BACK YOU LITTLE SHIT!!”
5:00am – Fall back asleep to more juicy turds hitting the toilet water…this time Jonathan is groaning in-between pushes. Awesome.
5:15am – Wake up again to Lucy Rose blaring a stupid CD in her room
5:20am – “Jonathan … wipe your ass crack and get off the commode, it’s time to go open presents”, I realize there is no hope of falling back to sleep
– Go to wake up Graham but he refuses get out of the crib
– Try bribing him
– “Graham….you’ll get presents if you let me get you out of your crib”
-“NOOOOOOOO” he yells
– “I’m begging you Graham Russell, Please…we can’t open presents without you, let me just pick you up?”
– “Do you want a snack? I’ll give you a cracker if you get up?”
– “Cookie!!!! Grahammy….doesn’t a cookie sound good?” I desperately plea
– “YESSSSSSS!!! COOKIE!!!” he finally took the bait….sucker.
5:25am – Wake up the soundly sleeping, freezing cold, Piper, who kicked off all her blankets. Her lips are blue from sleeping in nothing but a diaper. Bless her heart. Head downstairs carrying Graham on one hip and Piper in the other arm, who is frantically crying because I woke her
5:56am – Oh hell no. I notice that Lucy Rose is the only child not wearing her matching Christmas pj’s, the pajamas that I spent a small fortune on
– “Lucy Rose … please go put on your matching santa pj’s so I can get a picture of the four of my children together”
– Her knees buckle as she falls to the ground kicking and screaming. “I HATE MY SANTA JAMMIES!!!!….THEY ITCH! AND THEY ARE TIGHT! AND I HAAAATE THEM! I’M NOT PUTTING THEM ON!”
5:29am – 3 minutes of sobbing & yelling goes by before Lucy Rose walks into the living room in her matching pj’s (damn straight). At this point she has totally mastered the bitch face
5:30am – Attempt to get a picture of the 4 kids in front of the tree in their matching pj’s. It looks nothing like what I had visioned in my head when I purchased the stupid, overpriced pajamas for my pain in the ass offspring. Graham screaming “COOKIE????”, Lucy Rose with tears streaming down her cheeks because THEY ARE JUST SOOOO ITCHY! Piper crying because she wants the boob. Cole…bless Cole’s sweet little mother loving’ heart, he sits with the cheesiest smile of his life covering his face. His eyes catch mine, and he gives my that sweet little sympathetic grin. Not sure how this kid is able to read my mind, but he always knows how to cheer me up and put a smile on my face. He gets me, and I love him for that.
5:30am – The good vibe lasted all but 10 seconds. Cole proceeds to lean to one side, pull his ass cheeks apart and lets out the loudest most thunderous fart of his life. It scares the shit out of Pipes; she jumped a foot off the ground and screams even louder than she already was. Lucy Rose is beyond offended and PISSED! How dare he fart in her presence! She decides to elbows the shit out of Cole, right in the ribs, because apparently farting warrants violence in her book. Cole is howling, he declares that she broke at least four of his ribs and now he hates her with a passion. “Lord help me, things can only go up from here”, I give a little pep talk to myself
5:32am – Jonathan walks into the room wrapped in “the quilt”. Not just any quilt. The “sicky” quilt that we got as a wedding gift. I think it was the worst wedding present ever, but he begs to differ as it is his all time favorite, but thats besides the point. So yeah … THE SICKY QUILT appears, the one he only uses it when he is either
– “Oh freaking hell no….this is not happening. FUUUUCK, MY LIFE IS OVER”, I think to myself the second I see the damn thing. Surly I’m dreaming this, I hope
– Jonathan plops down on the couch with a moan, pulls the quilt up to his nose, and closes his eyes
– “Alright…are you guys excited?!?…It’s finally the time y’all have been waiting for, but first…I need you guys to be on your extra good behavior because Daddy doesn’t feel good” I say to the kids
– The kids nod their heads and give me a “yes ma’am” as they straight up lie to my face
– Jonathan lets out a whimper as he gets up. He’s off to go blow up the powder room with his bodily pollution
– We sit waiting (not so) patiently as we hear what sound like bombs coming from the bathroom
– Daddy is back…he’s got his sprite & his sissy-baby quilt in hand, surly he’s ready to join in on the family fun now, right?
– WRONG!!! Bathroom break….yet again
5:40am – “MOMMMMMY …. THIS IS THE WORST CHRISTMAS EVER. WHY IS DADDY TAKING SO LONG IN THE BATHROOM?”, Cole cries
– Screw it …. we start opening gifts without Daddy
5:41am – Kids dump their stocking contents on the floor. SNICKERS!! Tons of SNICKERS cover the floor
– Graham walks up to me holding a handful of Snickers …. “Candy?” he says as he demands that I open it for him
– “Not now Graham…we don’t eat candy in the morning”
– “CANDY!!!!!!!!!!” He screams
– I give myself a pat on the back for remaining somewhat cool & collected as I calmly tell Graham no, and then proceed with the present opening fun
5:42am – Daddy is back on the couch, with his damn quilt, of course. The cat is perched on his chest observing the commotion. His eyes are open but they are glaring to the ceiling, he’s still moaning. He smiles as the cat’s tail is tickles his face. “That is so odd”, I think to myself, but it’s the least of my worries at this point
5:43am – “CANDY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
– “No Graham, no candy!”
– Still doing a pretty good job at ignoring the fact that a two year old is shoving candy in my face while yelling “OPEN!!!” over and over again
– “No” I say
– Fuck, he remembers that we bribed him with freaking cookie to get him out of his crib
– “Fine kid…here…take the stupid candy”. I unwrap two snickers for him
5:45am – Finally…we’re opening presents again, it’s Lucy Roses turn. So far she’s gotten 3 toys, a coloring book and 2 outfits. She opens up her gift and pulls out outfit #3
– “WHAT IN THE WORLD IS THIS, MOM?” She says to me in her best teenager-wanna-be tone of voice. “I HATE SANTA AND I HATE ALL THE CLOTHES THAT HE BROUGHT ME!!!” she yells as she runs to the play room crying
5:46am – Decide to ‘ignore’ her screaming from the next room while Cole proceeds to open his gift next
5:50am – Jonathan excuses himself to piss more out of his ass and then goes back upstairs to get some rest and shit some more
5:51am – Lucy Rose is back opening presents. “This better not be stupid clothes”, she says in her ugly voice before she opens each package
5:52am – Piper!?!?! Is that Piper still crying in the background that I’m hearing? Yep … there she sits a couple of feet from me, screaming her head off. I’m pretty sure she’s been crying ever since we took the kids picture in front of the tree, but I honestly have no clue how long she was crying because of the chaotic commotion going on. Poor 4th child
– Change Pipers diaper … poop again, of course
5:54am – Get up to throw her diaper away. I notice brown shit covering my couch. “Poop!?!…. is that poop smeared on my favorite couch?” I screech. The one couch that I’m super anal about?!?…The same couch I don’t allow the children to sit on unless they are bathed and are wearing their pj’s!?! Poop…really? I lean down and smell it….nope, not poop…chocolate!!! My freaking couch is covered in mother loving chocolate. Awesome.
– “Uhhhh-ohhh” Graham sweetly says with a chocolate covered face and two fists full of snickers oozing through his fingers
5:57am – “A doll bed!!! A DOLL BED!!! MOMMY, IT’S JUST WHAT I WANTED, A DOLL BED!!!! I LOOOOOVE SANTA NOW!!!!” Lucy Rose squeals and smilies her first smile of the morning
– “Praise the Lord!! FINALLY!” I think to myself
– “Wait…WHAT IS THIS?!?!?! The doll bed is not put together already????…I hate when Santa is lazy, and anyways, where were all his stupid elves, isn’t it their job to put my toys together?”, she says as she stabs open the box with a pair of my good sewing scissors. I think she considered running off to pout in the playroom, but she decides to control herself, for once
5:58 – Graham cries hysterically because Cole sliced the cover of his brand new book by ‘helping’ him open his gift
6:00am – Piper is still crying in the corner so I throw her on the boob as I try to put together a damn doll bed with one hand. Never in my wildest of dreams would I have pictured myself nursing my baby while using a screw driver…thats talent!
6:15am – One gift remains, its the biggest gift of them all….there is no mother lovin’ name tag on the stupid gift, go figure. The kids argue over who is going to open it. Cole wins…like always, poor Lucy Rose. Cole is carelessly jabbing at the wrapping with a steak knife!!! “Why not scissors?”, I wonder inside my head but am too tired to correct him.
– “WHAT? It’s a stupid barbie dream house?!?….not FAIR!…Lucy Rose got the last present and it was the biggest of them all…Santa is not fair, I HATE SANTA!” Cole cries as he throws the knife to the ground, hitting Graham in the head with it on it’s way down. Cole storms off to the playroom to pout. Graham picks up the knife and puts it in his mouth. I sit in disbelief hoping I’d wake up from this terrible nightmare.
6:20am – “Breakfast! Maybe breakfast will cheer everyone up” I say
– “Lets pray guys”
– “We never pray before breakfast” Lucy Rose yells as she sits with crossed arms, refusing to join in on the prayer.
– “EWWWW, gross!” says Cole as he spits his egg casserole onto his plate. Yes…the same egg casserole that I stayed up until midnight making
– “SPICY!!!!” The sausage is too SPICY!!!!!” Lucy Rose cries as she spits it out and wipes her tongue with her napkin repeatedly
– “BREAD!!!!” Graham yells as he sees the garlic bread that was left over from the night before sitting on the counter, as he protests against eating my egg casserole. The same egg casserole that was made with my love and visions of a nice family meal shared together
6:25am – Pull Piper off the boob so I can get up to fetch Graham a piece of freaking bread. Yes…I breastfed as I got breakfast ready….straight up talent, y’all
6:28am – Tell the kids they aren’t getting up from the table until they eat two bites of my freaking egg casserole. I think I told them at least 5 times that the stupid casserole was made with my love…..so weird, now looking back!!! They could care less how it was made, all they know is that it sucks and they hate it
6:29am – “Mommy why is your nipple hanging out at the table?” Cole asks as I look down to see my 8 year old crusty nursing bra unlatched…nipple dangling an inch from my egg casserole…awesome
6:30am – Throw the egg casserole in the trash. Bust out the stale garlic bread…the kids dig in grubbing as if they had not eaten in days
6:40am – “MOMMMY….where is my Amazon gift card” Cole yells as he frantically empties 4 trash bags full of wrapping paper onto the floor. “My Amazon gift card is gone … I bet Lucy Rose took it”… he cries and runs to the playroom to scream at Lucy Rose
6:46am – “Mommy, can you put my apple watch on the charger?” asks Lucy Rose. “Lucy Rose, its not really an apple watch, it kind of like an apple watch for kids…its called a v-tech. It’s awesome though! You can play games, take pictures, record your voice and all kinds of fun stuff”, I over exaggerate.
– “Awesome, I didn’t know Apple made a watch just for kids” she says
– I throw the stupid watch on the charger telling her that it will take 3 hours to charge before she can use it
– “THREE HOURS?!? WHY THREE HOURS!?!? I hate Santa! Why didn’t he think to bring it to me charged already?” She runs to the playroom to pout
6:42am – Get Graham out of his highchair after he polished of his 4th piece of garlic bread
6:45am – “Has it been 3 hours yet” Lucy Rose wines
– “NO!” I snap at her
6:48am – “Mommy….I need you to help me put darts in my gun” Cole says to me behind a crazy scary mask that apparently he wears to look the part of a professional dart gunner. I load the stupid gun and the first bullet he shoots hits me right between the eyes. Awesome.
6:50am – “Has it been three hours yet?” says Lucy Rose
– “NOOO!” I yell once again
– “I can’t wait for three hours to be up. Once three hours is up, the first thing I’m going to do is call Mommy on my new Apple watch….oops, I mean my new Apple watch for KIDS”, I hear Lucy Rose declare
– “Lucy Rose, you can’t call people on this watch….but it has super fun games!!” I say
– “WHAT!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! I can’t call people on my new Apple watch ‘for kids’ that Santa brought me?!? I HATE SANTA!!! He didn’t get me the one and only thing that I really wanted for Christmas” she screams & runs to the playroom to pout
6:55am – Finally … I get a second to sit and reflect on how very blessed I am to spend such a grand morning with my four beautiful, healthy and amazing children
6:58am – “THE SASH!!! Where is Elizabeths sash?” Lucy Rose yells from the living room
– “Who the hell is Elizabeth, and what sash are you talking about?” I ask
– “Duh, Mom…Elizabeth is my American Girl Doll and I’m looking for her girl scout sash that goes with her girl-scout uniform that Santa brought her…I bet Cole stole it!” she yells as she dumps out the same 4 trash bags full of wrapping paper that I had just got done reloading after Cole’s Amazon gift card meltdown…digging for a stupid sash…all the while, she’s bitching Cole out for apparently throwing it away
7:08am – “The SASH!!!…Lucy Rose, it’s your lucky day!!!!!!!! here it is!! … I finally found Elizabeth’s sash that you wanted so badly!” I explain after 10 minutes of searching…feeling like her hero
– “Thanks Mom…but I decided she actually looks better without her sash on, just throw it in my pile of gifts, please…and by the way, she would appreciate it if you would call her Lizzy”
– “Is this really happening?”, I wonder to myself
7:15am – I turn on some Christmas tunes and sip on my now ice cold coffee as I finally sit down again to open my gifts from Jonathan. First up…
– Gift #1: Its a small box. The only thing I told Jonathan that I want for Christmas is jewelry…preferably diamonds, but I’m not picky or anything. I just knew there was going to be something sparkly inside. Nope. A gift card. An Amazon gift card, to be specific. I sat staring at the gift card trying to comprehend what I just opened. Before I could think twice, Cole snatched my newly acquired gift card from my hands and claimed that it was his gift card all along and that I’m the one that stole his stupid Amazon gift card.
– I just went with it and then made him apologize to Lucy Rose for blaming her on stealing his gift card. “That’s not good enough, Cole….look at your sister in the eyes when you apologize…..alright now hug it out…Nope…not good enough, hug your sister like you mean it, Cole.” I kid you not, this kind of shit comes out of my mouth daily, people.
– Gift #2: A device that removes corn from the cob in one simple, swift motion. Wow. I totally feel the love on this one.
– Gift #3: A seafood pitchfork to help you get the meat out of a lobster in under 30 seconds. Wow. The thought put into this gift is more than I can handle at this point
– Gift #4: A pepper grinder. Not just any pepper grinder, a red HOMBRE pepper grinder. Wow. He knows me so well, red is my favorite color. Felling the love on this one for sure…not!
– p.s. Jonathan, I hate anything hombre…just fyi for future references.
– p.s.s. What I hate even more than hombre is getting kitchen appliances/gadgets as “gifts”. Just another little FYI that I thought I made very clear to you when you got me a mother lovin’ pancake griddle the first Christmas we spent together as a married couple. Just sayin’
– Gift #5: A cheap piece of plastic that assists in peeling oranges, because obviously oranges are too hard to peel with the 10 fingers that God put on our hands. Wow. If that’s not true love, then I don’t know what is
7:30am – I walk over to pick up a crying Piper and stub my pinky toe on my stocking thats laying in the middle of the floor.
– “What the hell is in that thing?”, I think to myself as I fall to the floor in pain. Wine. A bottle of wine, in my stocking?!? I sit on the floor with a throbbing pinky toe asking myself if its too early to open it.
7:45am – “BATTERIES!!!! MOMMMMMY….I NEED BATTERIES NOW!!” screams Cole
7:50am – 8:00am – believe it or not, but the kids are happily playing with their new toys for a good 10 minutes. I even caught Lucy Rose smiling….twice. Like whoa, my morning may take a turn for the better, I think to myself
8:00am – Graham comes to me holding his tummy and says, “dick”
– “Umm can you run that by me again, sir?”
– “DICK!!!!” as spit sprays across my face from him trying so hard to annunciate his word
– “Potty? you need to go potty? Do you want to sit on the potty or do you want me to change your diaper?”
– “NOOO!!!! DIIIIICK!!!!!” As he grabs his tummy again
– “oh sick….are you saying that you tummy feels sick?”
– “YES!!!” he moans as he rubs his belly and throws up all over me
8:05am – change Grahams diaper. Diarrhea … of course. BAD DIARRHEA, OF COURSE.
8:15am – Desperate times calls for desperate measures; I splurge and buy the kids a movie on the tv. That’s after 5 whole minutes of Cole & Lucy Rose fighting over what movie to rent…which ends in a kicking fight. Move Lucy Rose to the chocolate covered couch to separate them. She sits with her arms folded and a pouty mouth because she hates the “chocolate couch”. She proceeds to tell me how much Graham sucks because he got chocolate on the couch and how pissed off she will be if chocolate gets on her favorite Santa pajamas. “Did she say FAVORITE?”, I thought to myself?!? The same pj’s she lost her shit over just an hour ago? Can we say bipolar?
8:30am – Decide I need to take a breather while the kids are glued in to the movie. Sit outside to call Mom, but first close the shutters so they can’t find me
8:35am – Starting to feel better after venting to mom
8:40am – It starts to rain. I decide I’d rather sit in the rain, sopping wet in my breast milk & vomit covered pajamas than be inside with my ass-ahollic children
8:50am – Whewwwww…..that felt good getting that off my chest. Thanks Mom for listening
8:55am – Call the in-laws…tell them we won’t be making it to their house for Christmas brunch. Looks like I’m cooking now…can this day get any better? I love to cook…not!
9:00am – Graham comes crying to me because Cole won’t get off of his new roller coaster toy that he just got from Santa
– I argue with Cole for 2 minutes too long as he tries to tell me that Santa technically ‘could’ have brought the roller coaster for him, because there was no name tag on it. After threatening to shove his new dart gun up his ass, he finally agrees and gets off the stupid roller coaster and tells Graham it’s his turn. Graham says “No!” and proceeds to hop up on the couch and asks me to read him his new book instead. As I open the book, he points to the cover that Cole cut open by trying to “help” him open it and says…”uhhhhhhh-ohhhh”, he makes a sad face and then burst into crocodile tears. Bless that sweet boys heart.
9:30am – Lucy Rose and Cole start fighting again so I decided enough is enough…I’m going to go brush my teeth and take a shower
– Leave all FOUR kids downstairs to fend for themselves
9:35am – Check on Jonathan who is guess where? Yep… on the pot. He asks me to get him a slice of bread
– I grab a slice of moldy bread because thats all we have. I toss Graham the rest of the loaf…because apparently the many slices of garlic bread he had for breakfast wasn’t enough carbs for him
9:40am – Turn on the shower.
– Sit to pee and I start replaying the morning in my head. Didn’t know if I should laugh, cry or do both. What had just happened in the past 5 hours, I wonder? Decide I need to write this shit down so in 20 years when I’m old and wrinkly with saggy tits, I’ll have something to entertain myself with. Especially on one of those lonely days when I catch myself missing the chaos of having little hoodlums running around the house like cats on speed. Hopefully by then I will think this was a funny Christmas, but for now … I’m exhausted, overstimulated and need a nap in the worst kind of way. Gotta go…they found me. Lucy Rose just came and told me that she loves me and drew me a picture of us two together singing Christmas carols. Wow…maybe this whole parenting thing is worth it after all. Merry Christmas!